Crypto News: “Bitcoin's Latest Upgrade Includes Emotional Support Mode”

In a surprise move, Bitcoin developers have rolled out a new update aimed at addressing the emotional toll of volatile markets. The new “Emotional Support Mode” feature promises to send reassuring messages to holders during price crashes and congratulate them for their "diamond hands" during pump cycles. Users can enable options like “HODL Therapy,” where Bitcoin itself reminds them that “this is just a correction, not the end of crypto.”

Early adopters of the update have reported mixed results. Some claim the new feature has given them a sense of zen amid market turmoil, while others say it's just a fancy way to get roasted by their own wallet. “Bitcoin keeps telling me I’m doing great, but my bank account says otherwise,” complained one disgruntled trader. Meanwhile, critics argue that the update doesn't address the real problem: the crushing reality of buying the top and selling the bottom.

In response, Elon Musk tweeted, “Great feature! If only it worked for marriages too,” which promptly sent Bitcoin soaring by 8% before tumbling again moments later. Despite its controversy, the update is gaining traction among long-term holders, who are calling it the best innovation since the invention of the cold wallet.

Whether it’s the dawn of a new era in crypto self-care or just another distraction from the inevitable rollercoaster, one thing is clear, Bitcoin hodlers might finally get the emotional validation they've been seeking.