International Headline: “UK Bans Pigeons After Sky Pooping Reaches Critical Levels”

In a bold and unprecedented move, the United Kingdom has announced a nationwide ban on pigeons, citing an unsustainable rise in "sky pooping incidents." Prime Minister Rishi Sunak declared the feathered offenders a “national security threat,” citing government research linking pigeons to a 45% increase in stained suits and ruined outdoor lunches. “We simply cannot go on like this,” Sunak declared in a stern address.

The ban has sparked fierce debates among ornithologists, animal rights activists, and city workers who now face the Herculean task of rounding up the estimated 18 million pigeons across the UK. Protesters gathered in Trafalgar Square with signs reading, “Pigeons Have Rights Too!” and “Free the Sky Rats!” Meanwhile, underground pigeon racing syndicates have promised to “never surrender,” vowing to continue their illicit operations.

The government has proposed replacing pigeons with “eco-friendly drone birds” that poop biodegradable confetti. Critics, however, question the feasibility of this plan, with one MP calling it “an Orwellian nightmare with glitter.” Still, some citizens are optimistic, already embracing pigeon-free skies and planning outdoor activities without fear of airborne projectiles.

Despite the chaos, one thing is certain: the UK’s streets will never be the same. As London Mayor Sadiq Khan poetically put it, “We’ve clipped their wings, but not our freedom.”