Trump’s Greenland Fantasies: MAGA, But Make It Arctic

In yet another episode of “Trump World Domination,” former President Donald Trump has resurrected his dream of turning Greenland into America’s 51st state. This time, he’s sending his oldest son, Donald Trump Jr., on what he claims is a “personal day-trip” to the autonomous Danish territory. Because, of course, nothing says casual vacation like casually discussing territorial acquisitions.

“Don Jr. and my Reps landing in Greenland,” Trump proudly announced on Truth Social, likely from his gold-plated bathroom. “The reception has been great. They, and the Free World, need safety, security, strength, and PEACE! This is a deal that must happen. MAGA. MAKE GREENLAND GREAT AGAIN!”

Unfortunately for the Trumps, the reception was not as warm as Don Jr. had hoped, unless you count the frosty glares from Greenlandic and Danish officials. Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen responded with her signature Scandinavian calm, “Greenland belongs to the Greenlanders. The island is not for sale.” She didn’t add “not now, not ever,” but the subtext was clear.

Meanwhile, Greenland’s Prime Minister, Múte Egede, mustered his best diplomatic tone, stating, “Greenland has no interest in becoming part of the United States. We’re good, thanks.” He’s got his hands full as it is, juggling calls for independence from Denmark and preparing for a national election. The last thing he needs is a reality TV subplot.

The Arctic Territory That Nobody Wants to Sell

Greenland, home to 56,000 hardy souls and an ice sheet the size of Western Europe, has been the subject of Trump’s territorial ambitions since his first presidency. Why? Because it’s strategic! Also, he probably thinks it would make a great backdrop for a future Trump Tower: Greenland.

Denmark, the territory’s nominal guardian, has been patiently explaining for years that Greenland is not up for grabs, as if Trump is a toddler demanding candy at the checkout. And yet, here we are again.

Adding fuel to the fire, Trump Jr. insisted his trip was purely personal, although his last-minute podcast appearance, where he rambled about Greenland’s “incredible opportunities,” suggested otherwise. Perhaps he got lost en route to a ski resort?

Canada? More Like the 52nd State

Greenland isn’t Trump’s only target. In a Tuesday press conference, Trump mused about annexing Canada, declaring, “You get rid of that artificially drawn line, and you take a look at what that looks like.” Sure, because merging two massive nations with completely different systems of government, healthcare, and culture would be a breeze.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau quickly dismissed the idea, tweeting, “There isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that Canada would become part of the United States.” He didn’t say it directly, but you can bet he was envisioning Canadians hurling snowballs at invading American troops.

Trump, undeterred, doubled down. “We subsidize Canada to the tune of $200 billion a year,” he claimed, although economists everywhere groaned in unison at his math. “We don’t need their cars, we don’t need their lumber, and we definitely don’t need their dairy. We don’t need anything!” This might come as a surprise to the countless Americans who enjoy Canadian bacon, maple syrup, and hockey.

Conclusion: The Art of the (Imaginary) Deal

As Trump dreams of expanding the United States one hostile takeover at a time, the rest of the world watches in bemused horror. Greenland remains resolutely unsold, Canada isn’t packing its bags, and Trump’s vision of a North American empire is looking about as likely as him winning a Nobel Prize for diplomacy.

Meanwhile, the residents of Greenland are busy preparing for their parliamentary elections, probably while rolling their eyes at the circus unfolding on the other side of the Atlantic. After all, they’ve got 80% of the world’s ice sheet and a population with a sense of humor as cold as their climate. Let’s hope they can keep it that way.