Why America’s Future is Brighter Without Education (Because Dimmer is Brighter Now)

In a bold, visionary move to ensure the future generations of Americans remain blissfully unaware of how badly they’re getting screwed, the government has announced plans to completely dismantle the Department of Education.

“Frankly, we’ve been wasting far too much time and money teaching people things,” said Senator Jeb Rockford, who, despite being a multi-millionaire with private tutors for his children, believes public education is a waste of taxpayer dollars. “Education just makes people ask dangerous questions, like ‘Why do billionaires pay less in taxes than me?’ and ‘Should corporations really have the same rights as people?’ We can’t have that.”

The new proposal, titled "No Child Left Informed," aims to replace formal education with corporate-sponsored learning modules tailored specifically to future low-wage jobs. Instead of science and history, students will now spend 12 years learning the best way to scan barcodes at Walmart and the proper etiquette for asking a customer if they’d like to ‘Supersize’ their meal.

This move comes at a time when studies show that America is already leading the world in anti-intellectualism. The country currently ranks 34th in math and science worldwide, and Congress has made it clear they intend to secure that last-place ranking by 2030.

“Smart people are just too much work,” Rockford continued. “They want ‘healthcare,’ they think ‘climate change is real,’ and worst of all, they read. We can’t have a nation full of readers. That’s how revolutions start.”

As the Department of Education prepares to shut down, new initiatives are already being rolled out. Fox News has volunteered to take over history lessons, and McDonald's is developing a literacy program based entirely on deciphering fast-food menu boards. Meanwhile, some school districts have proposed just replacing all textbooks with TikTok videos and AI-generated misinformation.

But all hope is not lost. If you are reading this (somehow), consider it a call to action. Because if we don’t stop this now, within a generation, Americans won’t just be uninformed, they’ll be too illiterate to even realize it.